A Summing Up of Parts. (Part I)
It seems to me that I have been wasting this space.
Nonsensical splurges and sleep deprived, alcohol/drug induced scribblings are all well and good but this place need more than that. It needs something real.
So here it goes:
It’s coming to the end of my stay in Xalapa and it’s nearly time to ramble on to the next place so I thought I’d respond to prospective questioning of what Mexico was like.
Ok, I am anticipating these questions and not looking forward to answering them.
“What was Mexico like?”
That’s like asking me what my life was like for four months. Am I supposed to recount every detail; what I did day by day, what I had for breakfast on say, the 14 of October? Mexico has been good to me, I feel more together, more of a person, and that’s good. But it’s created more questions too, which isn’t exactly bad but…
I guess what i am getting at is that you can’t ask me what a country is like because I only saw it through my eyes; it has been my life here, not a holiday…
I don’t know.
Anyway, what has happened, in as best as I can describe.
August is a good place to start.
Mid-August: I am still in UK. I go to Egham to see the Boys before I leave. I am so glad I did this. I needed it. I wanted to hear about the lives of those closest to me. And I did, those that were there were together.
The issue came up came up and it was good. (This is better)
Forgiveness, Salvation.
This made me feel better.
I still feel guilty for what happened before I left originally, it was a mistake, I showed weakness but I have put it behind me. I guess I had changed even at this point.
I remember leaving to return to Swindon, it was like some clichéd post card, wandering off away from the house. Boys’ House. It was symbolic, man. It was like I was flying the nest. I knew at that point that my relationship with them would never be the same, I was no longer one of them, I didn’t fit into that category anymore. This made me feel free, like I was finally putting the past behind me. It’s not that I was happy to leave them, I miss everyone terribly, just like… I don’t know, I don’t want to go too biblical but as if I was going off to the desert to serve my penance. But it wasn’t with a heavy heart. It was like I was starting a journey.
Not only across the sea, but into myself.
Self discovery and shit… Ha!
It’s the beginning of September, I’ve got my place in Xalapa. With El Diablo and Meme, they are great. The alcohol flows. So does the currency. I’m living the high-life. Rich european throwing his cash around. The stuff blinded me. At the same time I was learning so much. Spanish, that’s a cert, but things about the way things work here, I feel like I’ve spent the last twenty years of my life wrapped in cotton-wool, eyes closed. Things work differently here. Money rules everything, if you’ve got it you’re somebody, if you’ve not you can just die in the streets. It’s rough but it’s the way the world works, just it’s more obvious here.
Started thinking a lot about Socialism again, it’s good to be back, my friend. Politically, I didn’t meet too many like minded people. I’ll tell you, it got me some funny looks from Diablo and Keno; drunkenly blathering on about “empowering the people!” and “beating corruption and fear through the second revolution!”. I still felt lost at times… Still no one got it.
Except M.
From the start, I could tell we were on the same page… well, not the same page but, I don’t know, the same chapter.
Others are in a different book though so it was cool to share a title with someone, y’know?
Her politics were idealist. Anarchism without the violent, bloody tearing down of the old and standing on the rubble and wondering where to go? Wow, that’s pretty out there, man.
But we agreed on a lot of things and I really started to dig her.
Because of this I was scared shitless of her. She was like this amazing thing to me, one of those beautiful flowers that no one else around notices but me. Sure there were some nice flowers about but they all seemed so normally nice. She had something else, something intangible.
And she was happy to let me buzz around a bit, you know, admire the petals, but man, I felt like one ugly bug, one that would never get much closer.
And besides, she’s already got that other bug, who’s got a whole lot more… bug plumage… ok, I’ve extended this metaphor far enough.
This other cat beat me to it, man. I can see what she saw in him, he had this cool, french, bohemian musician thing going on. He didn’t care about his classes in the school, he just wanted to play music with his equally bohemian Mexican roomates, man. Right on.
I was jealous of him, his ability to be free. He had no shit like me, he wasn’t a slave to what goes on in his head. He had it all together. Right ON.
Long story short:
It’s the end of October.
Classes are going on, not much to say. You turn up, do the work, whatever. Photography’s fun, back to basics, just what I needed, and good practice in the Spanish, although i feel i am the ‘weird foreign guy’ who just brings photos of tourist shit he’s done. But whatever, I am pleased with my photos here, some of them are cool. A lot are crap but what the hell.
Just got back from a weekend spent with M, got a certain big deal out of the way. Things are cool. I was just honest with her about stuff and she was fine with it. We agreed that we are ‘kinda boyfriend and girlfriend’ which is awesome. She took some persuading at al principio but she must have felt sorry for me or something and now we’re together.
Best thing to happen to me in a long, long time. She helps me out without realising she’s doing it. I feel happy for the first time in about two years. Things are beginning to swim into focus again. Wow, man, it’s colourful out there…
Well, I can’t be bothered to write more, this is already outrageously long. I needed to put some things down. just to organise them y’know?
Good.
Stay tuned for part 2.
Chao
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